


Ambrosia

by Delilah_Noir



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cooking, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Honestly this is just a bunch of outrageous silliness and I REFUSE to apologize, Kinda?, Like really benign rumors, Rumors, Silly, mild sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 17:49:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17902718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delilah_Noir/pseuds/Delilah_Noir
Summary: In which Eren has long since mastered the art of culinary black magic.





	Ambrosia

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, before you get into this there are probably a few things you should know. 
> 
> 1\. This is just some unadulterated silliness. I will not apologize. You clicked you can suffer.  
> 2\. I haven't been really involved in this fandom for almost two years now. I do not know about nor do I care about current canon. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Someone had started a rumor, no one was sure who (though bets were on Sasha) and like with most rumors it spread. It was relatively tame as far as things like this went, most people just laughed at it and moved on, not really think anything of it.

Until the 104th’s secret nightmare came true.

Rumor had it that one cadet Eren Jaeger couldn’t cook.

It also said that it was his name up on the roster for that evening’s dinner preparation.

It was a sunny morning when chore assignments were given out that day, like any other. Evidently, the instructor had noticed that Eren hadn’t been assigned that particular chore and decided to remedy the situation, obviously by assigning him dinner duty.

Now normally, this wasn’t much of an issue. All the instructors were aware of the cadet gossip, they couldn’t not be while sharing such close quarters, so they usually went out of their way to assign the cooking to another cadet (typically Marco, he was no gourmet chef but he was decent in the kitchen). No one wanted to be served bad food. Bad for morale. 

This particular instructor was new, having just transferred from another camp, and was therefore unaware of the interconnected drama involved in the 104th’s rumor mill. Chief among that being that one does not just assign Eren Jaeger cooking duty and expect good outcomes. It was like blasphemy.

So, the morning it was announced, those present stood there in abject shock and horror as Eren nodded, wholly unconcerned. He apparently hadn’t heard the rumors. As he turned to leave, the new instructor was surprised to be met with looks of genuine loathing and was caught off guard. So taken aback was he that he completely forgot to reprimand the group of cadets that had given him the stink eye.

The news spread quickly, reaching all the cadets and most of the older instructors by noon. A heavy feeling of dread hung over the mess hall during the mid-day meal. The cadets mourned for their lost dinner by slowly eating the underseasoned stew they had been served.

Eren didn’t notice. 

Mikasa and Armin, however, very much did, the both of them glancing around curiously at the general atmosphere of gloom. Tentatively, Armin leaned over to Jean. “What’s up with them?” He asked.

Jean sighed, heavy and gloomy. “Hadn’t you heard? Eren’s been assigned dinner duty tonight.”

Armin blinked, baffled. “And that’s bad?”

Glancing at him Jean mulishly stirs his soup. “I’d have thought you and Mikasa would know best. Who knows  _ what  _ that maniac’s gonna do to our food.”

Again Armin blinked. “Right…” he trailed off, watching as Jean got up to dump his bowl and leave. Turning to Mikasa, they shared a look and Mikasa shook her head. She had no idea what that was about either.

“Guess we’ll find out later huh?” Armin says, shrugging before returning to his bowl.

The rest of the afternoon passes in a daze for most of the other cadets, dread making the minutes bleed into hours. Sasha tears up when she sees Eren leave for the kitchen and she kisses her precious food goodbye.

Eren had left early for dinner prep, which some of the cadets had noticed, and when loud banging was heard from the kitchen their imaginations ran wild. The group of cadets standing near enough to hear the commotion started trying to predict just what exactly would be on their plates that night. One cadet was sure that, whatever it was, it would still be twitching by the time it got there.

They were also the first to notice the smell coming out of the kitchen.

One of the girls had looked up, gingerly sniffing the air and loudly asked if any of the others smelled it. The others sniffed. The others smelled it. Whatever it was, it smelled  _ good _ .

Surprised, the kitchen group crept closer to the door, pulling it open a crack to get more of that scent. Unfortunately, the door creaked loudly, catching Eren’s attention. He looked over his shoulder at the noise, narrowing his eyes in a glare at the doe-eyed group of cadets. “If your name isn’t Armin or Mikasa get out!” He barked.

Quickly, the group scrambled to get out of the kitchen, fear of the genuine look of murder in Eren’s eyes nipping at their heels. They only stopped running once they were far away from the kitchen and they realized there was nothing to be running from. Eren wouldn’t come after them.

Right?

One of the cadets, hunched over with his hands on his knees, asked the others if they had smelled the same thing he had. The others all muttered their agreement. They’d noticed. Whatever the hell Eren was making had smelled amazing the closer they were. After they catch their breath, they mutually agree to split up and spread the news. Something was happening in the kitchen and it was  _ good _ .

Excited chatter spreads through the barracks, most of the cadets finished with their assignments for the day, as the kitchen groups tells everyone they can about what they’d found. There are naysayers, Jean among the loudest of them, but they’re all drowned out by one thing. Hope.

In the background, Armin and Mikasa smirk at each other, both of them knowing full well what’s coming. This is just the tip of the iceberg. 

When the dinner bell rings the cadets rush to the mess. Those that get there first freeze creating a wall that blocks the rest of them from getting in. Sasha, who had gotten there before most everyone else stares wide-eyed and mouth agape as she watches Eren, in an apron and his face spattered with flower, places a final plate on one of the tables.

He looks up, cocking his head. “Well, what’re you waiting for?”

Still staring, she starts stumbling forward to a seat. Her mouth waters at the spread.

On each of the tables is a platter piled high with roasted meat, juicy and sprinkled with spices. Accompanying it is a spread of potatoes cooked in at least five different ways and a  _ real _ vegetable medley. God, she hadn’t seen lettuce in  _ years _ . And the smell, oh the smell. If she could she would’ve written poetry about the scent in the air, but at the moment she’s too occupied with the food in front of her.

The rest of the cadets follow her example, walking in unable to believe their eyes and slowly taking their seats. Even the instructors are gobsmacked, one of them wildly wondering where the hell Eren had even gotten meat, chicken of all things.

Eren, the man responsible for this complete befuddlement, pays them no mind. He grabs his own chair and sits down, Mikasa and Armin on either side of him. Neither of them looked surprised.

He grabs his fork and starts eating, not paying any attention to the stares of the rest of the 104th.

Tentatively, Sasha picks up her own fork and spears a bite of food. She gulps. Putting it in her mouth, she eats it. Immediately she lets out a downright sexual moan, dropping her fork and standing quickly enough to move the entire bench she was sitting on, other cadets and all. With tears streaming down her face she throws herself down in front of Eren and grabs one of his hands.

“Eren,” She says, voice choked. “Will you marry me?”

Eren looks between his hand in hers and Sasha’s face, confused. “Uh… No?”

Sasha’s bottom lip quivers as more tears spill down her face, totally unaware of the daggers Mikasa is shooting at her with her eyes. “Okay, but will you at least cook for me again?”

“Yeah,” Eren says, nodding. “Whenever you want, now get off me.”

Wiping her face, Sasha goes back to her seat, picking up her fork and eating with gusto. Well, more gusto than usual.

Warily, the other cadets look back to their food with all the commotion over. One brave man gulps before taking a bite of his own food. When he freezes up exactly like Sasha did, also letting out an inappropriate moan, then starts eating like Sasha normally does, the rest of them take a bite. They all freeze, simultaneously moaning around the food in their mouths.

The taste, oh god the  _ taste _ .

Whatever magic Eren worked, whatever he did to the meat, it tastes heavenly. The food tastes like an angel sings, heavenly chorus and all.

Several cadets burst into tears, whispering faint prayers. Every one of them enthusiastically tear into their meals. The mess is filled with nothing but the sounds of silverware scraping plates and happy chewing. The only ones unaffected are Eren, Armin, and Mikasa.

The cadets are far too busy to pay attention to much more than what’s on their plates, but someone does notice when Eren gets up. The girl that notices elbows the boy next to her, jutting her chin at Eren when he scowls at her. He turns to look and sees Eren and Mikasa and Armin disappear back into the kitchen. 

“What do you think they’re doing?” She asks.

He shrugs, turning back to his plate for a final bite. “Don’t know, don’t care, hope it’s more food though.”

He had no idea how right he was.

Eren, Mikasa, and Armin all walk back into the mess carrying a platter each. When she gets a good look at what’s  _ on _ the platters she nearly faints.

Where the  _ hell _ had Eren found  _ cake _ ?!

“Okay guys, here’s dessert,” Eren says, holding his platter a little higher. “There’s chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry to choose from.”

The room goes silent for a moment and the cadets watch as Eren starts cutting pieces of the cake. Then the moment breaks and there’s absolute chaos. People start grabbing their plates and hurriedly standing up. They push and shove at one another, all heedless of anyone else in their frenzy to get to one of the cakes. Sasha bites someone when they try to push her out of the way.

As this unfolds, drill sergeant Shadis watches stunned before schooling his expression and barking out orders for quiet, but he’s ignored. He and the other instructors are shoved out of the way without any regard for their rank. It was every man for himself in the battle for cake.

It’s only when it starts getting vicious, a pair of cadets in the middle of what could be an all-out brawl with one pulling hair and the other brandishing a fork awfully close to an eye, that Eren decides that enough is enough.

Standing in front of the small table he and Mikasa and Armin had put the cakes down, he plants his hands on his hips. “Hey!” He yells, but no one notices. So he takes a deep breath. “HEY!” He shouts.

Every cadet (and even some of the instructors) freeze. They all turn to look at Eren, wide-eyed.

Eyes narrowed in a glare, Eren jabs his thumb over his shoulder. “If you all expect to get cake then quit your dumbass brawling and line up!”

And just like that, all the cadets get up and start forming orderly lines muttering apologies. Eren, Armin, and Mikasa stand at the head of each line to divvy everything up evenly. Patiently they all wait their turns and everyone is served a generous slice of cake before returning to their seats.

There’s a hush over the room and an unspoken command to  _ wait _ until everyone has been given their slice. The instructors are served last since they were the last to line up, much to their poorly hidden annoyance. When they sit down, the scrape of their chairs loud in the silent mess, everyone grabs their forks up and digs in.

Upon the first taste, many of the cadets burst into tears more (including Sasha, but she’d been sobbing throughout this whole affair). Most of the girls shout cries for Eren’s hand in marriage, even some of the guys (Jean was surprisingly the loudest of these), all of them completely ignoring the deadly aura surrounding Mikasa. The aura that keeps getting darker and darker with each subsequent proposal.

Eren just ignores them, calmly eating his cake while Mikasa plans mass homicide next to him and Armin stares dumbfounded at the chaos. It may be the first time that he’s actually the  _ calmest _ person in the room.

Unfortunately, like most things, dinner must come to an end. All the cadets finish their cake and there’s nothing left to serve. Their bellies are full and their spirits are high.

When the instructors call for lights out in ten minutes none of the cadets complain. All of them float on cloud nine for the rest of the evening, getting ready for bed and laying their heads down to dreams of the amazing meal they’d had.

Mikasa, Eren, and Armin, however, end up having to stay late. Drill sergeant Shadis makes them clean the mess and the kitchen as a “punishment”. Though Armin’s pretty sure it’s just because he wasn’t first to get a piece of cake. Eren just shrugs and gets to work and Mikasa follows her lead. It’s well into the night before they finish, having to wash all the dishes left behind. When they’re all done they drop into their beds, not bothering to change, and fall right to sleep.

In the morning, Eren is hailed as a hero throughout the barracks. And from then on, Eren’s name is added to the roster for dinner duty. No one wants to miss another feast like that.

  
(Though Shadis makes sure not to have him cook  _ too _ often. He doesn’t think their kitchen resources could handle it, even though he still has no  _ idea _ where Eren had managed to get any of that.)

**Author's Note:**

> Erwin ends up getting wind of this in the Survey Corps. and decides right then and there that he will stop at nothing to have one cadet Jaeger in his division. He claims it's for the morale boost but we all know that it's just because he wants to be fed amazing food.
> 
> So, what did you think? Leave me a comment to let me know!
> 
> Also, come say hi on [tumblr](https://delilahnoir.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
